1.
Sometime over the weekend Sweden joined the illustrious list of countries who have one or more citizens with enough time on their hands to read my blog. They join Singapore and South Africa as the next step in my 26 part plan to brainwash and dominate all countries that begin with the letter "S". Now all that's left are St. Kitts and Nevis (my least favorite funk rock duo), St. Lucia, St. Vincent and the Grenadines (my most favorite doo-wop combo), Samoa, San Marino, Sao Tome and Principe (the latin-influenced lite jazz band about which I feel decidedly "meh"), Saudi Arabia, Serbia, Senegal, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Switzerland and Syria. I'm banking on Saudi Arabia to be the next to come around to my wittily off-kilter yet tastefully irreverent comic stylings.
2.
Rev. Terry "My Mustache Ate Chuck Norris' Beard for Afternoon Tea" Jones forged ahead in his hot streak of impeccable good taste by showing up in NYC on 9/11. He was here to meet with Imam Feisal "You're Going to Take my Long, Hard Mosque and Like it" Rauf, who had previously agreed to stop building his mosque and meet with Jones so long as Jones converted to Islam. Upon hearing that the Imam would not meet with him due to the slight technicality that the entire conversation, agreement, and penciling in of said meeting were all constructed wholesale out of the Rev's hate-addled skull, Jones reportedly cocked his head to the side, circled around three times and lay down to lick his balls.
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| Rev. Jones w/ Mustache |
3.
Somewhere in the utter joy of ripping on Juggalos, I forgot to give them a proper definition. Luckily for me, the Village Voice hires journalists with a much higher caliber of discipline and professionalism than I could even vainly hope of attaining. Courtesy of same discipline and professionalism, I give you, Juggalos: A Definition.
"A characteristically blunt track on ICP's breakthrough platinum-selling 1997 release, The Great Milenko, proffers a few descriptions. A Juggalo is unflaggingly honest with women ("He could give a fuck less what a bitch thinks. He tell her that her butt stinks"). He's good at board games ("He'll eat Monopoly and shit out Connect Four"). He does not have a degree, but he is an entrepreneur ("He works for himself scratchin' his nuts, ha!"). He will exercise to fight upper-class oppression ("He'll walk through the hills and beat down a rich boy"). He is one hell of a dinner guest ("He walks right in the house where ya havin' supper, and dip his nuts in ya soup—bloop!"). A Juggalo doesn't even know what a Juggalo is exactly ("What is a Juggalo? I don't know, but I'm down with the clown, and I'm down for life, yo")."
There was not, is not, nor will there ever be, anything I can add to that.
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| Except this. |
While we in New York have the luxury of having one of the finest examples of print journalism delivered right to our door every morning, only the have it stolen by the neighbors, statistics show that we LURV us some tabloids. The whole western world can prattle on all it wants about the professionalism, poise and accuracy of the NY Times all it wants; give us our 50 cent news rags. (I just now realized for the first time that there is no cent symbol on the keyboard. That is just...subpar.)
The New York Post and The Daily News have been the traditional rulers of Gotham's trashscape and provide a delicate balance of views for reactionaries of all walks of life. The Post is owned by Rupert Murdoch's Newcorp and frequently makes Fox News look like a bunch of Nader Fellators. Here's a real chestnut that popped up during the early days of the Obama Administration:
Needless to say The Post was shocked - SHOCKED(!) - that anyone would make a racist correlation between a picture of two cops shooting a monkey and the subtext that the country's first black president was really fucking everything up. Besides, everyone knows that if you're using a monkey to personify a president, that president is George W Bush, right?
Oh, wait...
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| Ahem. |
True, that cartoon did come out right after some Jersey woman's pet chimpanzee decided to rip her fucking face off. It also came a mere 40 years after the civil rights movement so, you know, they're just getting the hang of this whole "no lynching" thing the kids are all into these days.
The Daily News on the other hand is more like Alan Combs on Benzodiazepine high. They will quietly bop along in their limp-wristed, center-left manner, with a car crash story here, a low-level police corruption story there, maybe a little sports and the next day they will FIND YOUR GRANDMOTHERS DIRTIEST SECRETS AND EXHUME HER FROM HER SHALLOW GRAVE TO CAST FORTUNES FROM HER ENTRAILS!!!!!
For example, when you run down to the bodega in the morning for coffee and cigarettes the Daily News headline looks something like this:
It's a safe bet tomorrow will be looking like this:
It's widely believed amongst New Yorkers that The News is suffering some serious headline envy. I mean:
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| How you gonna compete with that? |
The new New Yorkers, who claim that new New Yorkers are the new Old New Yorkers, have statistically yet to be won over by the old standbys. This probably has something to do with the fact that they purchase coffee from espresso bars and buy their cigarettes at natural food markets, thus limiting their exposure to sensationalist pap. However, this does not mean that they don't want sensationalist pap, but rather they want sensationalist pap on their MacBooks (my own MacBook is absolutely covered in it).
Enter Gothamist: The Official Tabloid of West Brooklyn. Aside from offering up notoriously slow page load times, Gothamist endeavors to bring the news much in the same way one would presumably bring the noise. It keeps the trashy and irrelevant headlines (Woman Jumps From Bridge During Sept. 11th Memorial Run, Woman Stabbed By Mugger Just Want's Purse Palliative) while interjecting the snarky and irreverent commentary ("The bad news is that cops still haven't recovered her purse, which is one of those totally special amazing handbags that has the power to make knife wounds irrelevant.") that the kids really flip for these days. Just since I've started writing this article the top story on their site has gone from "Laday Gaga Distracts From Scandal With a Meat Dress" to "Jet's Ready to Lead the League in Wins" (ha-HA!), to "Coney Island Beard and Mustache Competition 2010". The Post and News can only dream of such versatile crapsploitation.
Bringing up the caboose, in more ways than one (I don't even know what I mean by that) is Gawker. While not a New York tabloid per se (means "in the biblical sense" in Swedish or something) it does deal heavily with New York gossip and goings-ons when it's not preoccupied with gossip and goings-ons in "The Beltway" or from "Hollywood to the Valley". They seem to rely heavily on sex to generate page hits, a tactic I've been heavily considering adopting for my own sit.
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| Hello, ladies! |
(Suddenly Self-Conscious Anonymous Blogger Disclaimer: That is not a picture of me)
A sampling of sexy Gawker stories is as follows:
Stupid California Police Warn Parents of Pedobear, 'The Pedophile Mascot"
French Have Awful Sex Lives
and let's not forget
Will This Comical Anti-Masturbation Lady Win a Senate Primary?
If she can stop Gawker from glazing their tube socks every half-hour, sure I'll vote for her.
And my burrito was just delivered. Hope your Monday is as short and sweet and full of horrendously shirtless fat dudes as this post.
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