Hipsterpedia Vol. 2

Couple things to get out of the way before we move on to my 3rd favorite sport: HipsteRipping.
I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer even think about writing these posts first thing in the morning. Fact is, I can barely think in the morning, much less think about writing and even less so write something humorous and not entirely stultifying. I set a high standard for myself, although it's probably much lower than most people's standards for "things to do on the internet that don't require foffing off". With that said, I will attempt to have the bulk of my daily post written the day before I post it, that I might easily drag myself halfway out of bed at noon-time (aka Dawn of the Drunk) and laboriously click the "publish post" button before lapsing back into alcohol-induced fever dreams featuring me,  Zooey Deschanel, $100 worth of quarters and my own personal nemesis. Expect me to post updates to these pre-written posts while I have my daily congress with the crapper.

In an update of an earlier post, turns out Joaquin "I grew this beard to shut you fuckers up about my harelip" Phoenix's year-long, expertly documented, and suspiciously cohesive descent into madness was a hoax all along, leaving the B+ list star with a box office bomb, a dubious career outlook, and a personal style one could only describe as

Zach Galifinakesque.

Speaking of descents into madness, here's a bit of fluff that I laughed at, yet have nothing to add. How odd. Perhaps some more beverage will fix that...

And on with the show.

2. Categorization of the Species

We've covered the broad strokes of The Hipster's general habitat and behavior patterns. The Hipster, however, displays a staggering array of biodiversity, the likes of which put Papua New Guinnea's birds-of-paradise to shame. While they do share a certain thread of commonality with each other, their drive to attain "Uniqueness" has caused a once easily identifiable species to mutate and branch out into new and wholly different sub-species. (Author's note: For best results, please imagine the following as being read by David or Richard Attenborough.)

Let us start with the archetype:

 Hipster Prime

Hipsterus Primoris

While not the origin of the species, Hipster Prime would be the hep world's analog of Nietzsche's ubermensch; the gold standard by which all else is measured. They are by far the most common and populace of all the Hipster sub-species.

Origins: The most direct descendant of the Proto-Hipsters of 1990's, they can also trace their lineage to the emo, no-wave and playground-bully-fodder movements.

Habitat: Almost any urban environment provided that it is easy walking distance from a cool bar or record store. It is not uncommon to find them nesting above coffee shops and independent book stores. A communal creature, they have been known to co-habitate with upwards of four of their own kind. They're presence in a neighborhood is always evidence of that particular region having "made it".

Appearance: Colorful, even painfully so. It would appear that this species has yet to discover the color wheel.  Two or more items from American Apparel are standard plumage. Converse and New Balances are acceptable footwear. Pants are worn skin tight for men and women, while the upper torso should usually be well shrouded in irony, unless the shirt is from American Apparel, in which case it will be a blank void of a primary color. When confronted with the seasonal "shorts dilemma", the answer will usually be "cutoffs". Hair is best described as "baggy". Thick rimmed glasses are ubiquitous, but seem to be purely ornamental, as their parents paid for Lasik surgery while the braces where still on.

Behavior: The two main emotional states of Hipsterus Primoris  a curious blend of carefree whimsy and withering scorn. The whimsical nature is believed to be derived from the fact that their parents have yet to cut the apron strings or checking account access, thereby giving rise to an opinion of life's realities that could best be described as "stunted". The scorn on the other hand, is typically a self defense mechanism designed to scare away large predators (Primes are notoriously small and adorable). When confronted with a challenge to their habitat or lifestyle a keen observer will note a highly choreographed display of eye-rolling, forced exhalations through the nose and cold-shouldering.

Modes of Transportation: Usually consists of a rusty, "vintage" Raleigh or Schwinn with cruiser bars and 2:1 gear ratio.  Foot travel is common as is public transportation, as it gives rise to more mating posibillities. A second hand Volvo is not out of the question either.

Mating Call: Entirely non-verbal. Consists of furtive glances up from book/drink at the coffee shop/bar with mental note to post vague missed connection on  craigslist tomorrow.

Musical Taste: Like grade C maple syrup: weak and sappy, yet overly cloying.

Bottom Line: Meh. All they want out of life is art that features lots of glitter and the next Grizzly Bear/Arctic Monkeys/ Syphilitic Koala record. They mean you no harm.

Next time on Hipsterpedia: The Fixster