Hipsterpedia Vol. 1

What better way to start the week than by talking about everyone's favorite demographic: The Hipster. Many people seem to think that The Hipster is not their favorite demographic which I am here to tell you is patently untrue. Yuppies? Too clean. Hippies? Too dirty. And so we end up at the lovable Baby Bear Hipster. Don't argue. I just beat you with science.
But what, exactly is a Hipster? Theories are as diverse as they are numerous, but I have been studying them in their natural habitat for the better part of the last decade and fancy myself as the Grizzly Man of the Hip.

Hizzly Man.

I had originally intended this as a one-shot article but once I got going I found it was really hard to stop. Consequently I chopped it up into a bunch of pieces and we're going to be revisiting this subject at regular intervals till it's all gone. There's a hipster/cocaine joke to be had in there somewhere but it's Monday and I'm new at this so just be happy with what you get. If you want more then I suggest you go buy your own. Fucking mooches.


1. HABITAT AND BEHAVIOR:
It is commonly agreed upon my biologists, that The Hipster has four natural habitats and/or spiritual homes: New York City, San Francisco, Portland and Austin. (No, L.A. You incubate douchebags.) It is important to note, however, that relatively few of them are actually from these regions. Studies indicate they are spread by Liberal Arts Colleges From these regions, this group has, over the past few years, spread over much of the continent, with reports of sighting coming from as far away as Mexico. Upon further study, it was determined that they have not yet reached Mexico, but have thoroughly infested Puerto Rican neighborhoods throughout Brooklyn.
While not a very adaptable creature, The Hipster instead employs a rather novel reverse-darwinian tactic: it adapts it's environment to itself, usually at the expense of the area's indigenous inhabitants. It is believed that this behavior, while somewhat unique, was copied from the behavior of The Greater Entitled Straight White Male, who are historically harder to contain than bedbugs.

S.W.M.

While highly sexually active, The Hipster experiences a shockingly low birth/fuck ratio. While in many species this would be tantamount to genetic suicide, studies indicate that their numbers are growing rather than shrinking. While the source of their population boom is a mystery, I am inclined to believe the theory that their young are incubated in Chrome messenger bags, rapidly aged in Sculpting Theory or Film Appreciation classes, and finished off like a fine scotch in a custom made dive bar.

The beachhead of any new Hipster enclave is, of course, cheap housing. It is important to note that while not all hipsters have unlimited access to their parent's bank account, one must conform to the time honored facade of the starving artist. This has been the calling card of every counterculture since the beat poets of the 50's first skipped on their rent and started sleeping in the back room of the red wine wholesale warehouse where they worked.
One may opt to live like the little prince/princess they are but must in turn sacrifice a considerable amount of "cred" whenever they are exhibiting their plywood/tempra paint/glitter art projects. If said plywood/tempra paint/glitter objet d'art (means "junk I found in the art supply store dumpster" in Swahili or something) is constructed in a drafty, cobbled together loft in a former speculum factory however, it is infused with the naturally occurring "cred" that is known to exist ambiently in such buildings. Once the proper credibility terroir, or creddoir, is selected, it is best to create whatever art one chooses so long as the most tenuous line can be drawn from where the art was made to what the art is made from. For example, do you live in a loft that is close to Puerto Rican neighborhood? Then apply the paint with an old Choco Taco wrapper. Just moved in to a black community? Perhaps you should make the frame entirely out of found Newport butts. And for those who just got set up in the aforementioned speculum factory, well, now you can give that menstrual blood the new life it deserves.

Once the living conditions are secured, next comes the driving out of all those pesky burrito shops and lame hair/nail salons. It usually starts with a handful of bars, and then a cafe and before you know it, there are combination artisinal brick oven pizza/independent publisher book stores across the street from each other.  Most landlords will notice that the neighborhood seems to be staying white out later and will consequently start jacking the rent. The local stores die out, the normal child bearing people who drive Subarus move in and a once vibrant neighborhood is reduced to pithily named wine shops and stroller parking. It's a slow process but one that, once started, is almost 100% terminal. Good reference points would be Park Slope in Brooklyn, The Pearl District in Portland and roughly 9/10 of Austin, TX.

Because it is inevitable that their neighborhood will one day be referred to as "a great place to raise a family" by Mom Pants Magazine, The Hipster becomes highly possessive of their newly claimed territory. Many defensive tactics are employed, ranging from active camouflage (leaving doors to shops and bars unmarked) to passive camouflage camouflage (opening a shop in an old storefront without changing it's former name or signage, i.e. "My new favorite bar is called Venturas Deli Grocery 2 Inc.") to passive aggressive camouflage (talking loudly and often about how awesome some place they've been to is, while declining to give out information on it's location).

"Are we open? Fucking, I guess, man. Whatever."

 However, just as quickly as The Hipster will defend their newly co-opted nabe, they will also turn on it with little to no provocation. The common reason being that a particular neighborhood or bar has been "blown up" i.e. overrun with so many other people that look exactly like them, that the fragile illusion of total uniqueness is stretched to the breaking point. There will be much complaining and declarations of how things were better "back in the day" before the inevitable skulking off to virgin territory like so many locusts in tight pants.