Me, I just got bored one day.
Well, let's get the basics out of the way shall we? I'm going to set this post up as an FAQ because I am self-possessed enough to assume this blog will actually generate a level of interest from people, who will then presumably tell their friends about it. These friends will enter the narrative in media res (means "missed connections" in Esperanto or something) and feel like they showed up to a friend's party only to find their friends have left, the beer has been drunk, and the only people left look, how shall we put it? Sticky. Kinda like logging on to your old Friendster account. This FAQ will hopefully serve the same purpose as running into your friend at the door to the aforementioned party and having them put their arm around you and drunkenly slur, "Dude! You DON'T want to go in there."
Q: What does NMFP stand for?
A: I don't like being explicit about things I feel people should already know so let's just say it either stands for Not My Fucking Problem or Nipples Made From Plastic. I'm sure you'll be able to deduce the correct answer over time.
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| Sad but true. SAD. But fucking true. |
Q: Why use some acronym if you're not even going to tell us what it is?
A: Because I belong to the smuggest generation to ever walk the planet. If people my age can't find at least one tidbit of information a day to lord over some poor, square schmuck, then we feel as though we are not fulfilling our purpose. Also I'm from the Pacific Northwest where passive-aggressiveness is the number one local pass-time (the Thousand Yard Surl is a close second, followed by Functional Alcoholism).
Q: Um...OK, so what are you going to write about?
A: A general all around critique of a world that I do not see eye to eye with, I suppose. I'm kinda taking the organic approach with this thing. A lot of stupid shit happens in my life, mostly due to the fact that I live and work in NYC. I'm snarky by nature (Naughty by Nature was my side project) and though I don't suppose the rest of humanity gives a toss about my thoughts, I'm more than happy to provide them as a service to people anyone who happens to stumble upon my blog.
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| If I were a video store, this would be me. |
A: Which word is it that's confusing you?
Q: I mean what does it mean to you, asshole?
A: Ah. Well, looking back over my life, I realize that there are three main eras that could be generally described with simple acronyms. Years 0-13 are represented by WWJD which of course stands for "Who Whacked John Dillinger?" I had a deep and abiding interest in conspiracy theories lasting until halfway through 7th grade at which point I started growing the fuck up and thinking about things critically instead of hysterically.
Years 13-21 can be commonly referred to as the FTW years. During that stretch, I quite literally wanted to Fuck The World. Boys, girls, inanimate objects; if it wasn't actively protesting and was in possession of some hole-type orifice, I was pretty much on board. Also I thought the world should go fuck itself because it would be really interesting from an spacial astrophysics point of view.
And at last we arrive at the storied 21-??? period, where Functional Alcoholism (see: Portland, sports) is the order of the day. Unless the order of the day is bacon. Or migas if you got em. They are so hard to find in this damn city.
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| If you have these, and you are in NYC, I will be your apprentice. |
Q: So you're some douchebag hipster from Portland that's going to get drunk and write a self-righteous blog complaining about a city you're not even originally from?
A: Prolly. Don't jump the gun though. I'm writing about hipsters next week.
Q: Fuck you.
A: Phrase it in the form of a question! Jesus, didn't anyone watch Jeopardy growing up?
Hopefully that answers all of the questions you have for me. I can't possibly think of anything else anyone would want to know. I'll try to keep this a daily Mon-Fri type of operation for as long as...
Who am I kidding? No one's even reading this shit...
{throws mic down and walks off stage}
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