Well. One week under my belt and I haven't missed a post, cracked up or received any threatening hate mail from Juggalos, which is very disappointing because they look like they could write some really scary hate mail. Considering the state of things, I thought it might be good to spend a little time doing some well deserved navel gazing. Oh that's right! Talking bout Google muthafuckin Analytics!
I really wanted to put up a screen shot of my stats for this blog (oh, and I know you do too) but being that my computer knowledge is limited to pushing clearly marked buttons and a smattering of HTML, doing so lands on my personal possibility scale somewhere between driving a stick shift through Manhattan rush hour traffic and getting my picture taken with Shiva the Destroyer. Nor can I link to the page without backdooring my blog to anyone who would wish to tamper with it. Feel free to submit any jokes you come up with about Juggalos accessing my backdoor in the comments section.
| Oh, wait a minute..."Cut and Paste" you say? Hmmm. | |||||||||||||||||||
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Well OK then. I in no way know what I'm doing, I promise. So, I know those numbers aren't much to look at (I blame you! YOOOOOOUUUUUU!) but something about it does seem a little off, a little...little...very little...wait where the hell IS Singapore? I can't even see it on that map. It's somewhere China-esque, right? And South Africa? Really? Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that people on the other side of the world are reading my middling twaddle, but it's really not one of those things you expect when starting a blog that has promotion beyond word of mouth. If someone had asked me to guess which would be the first foreign country (after Canada, natch) that I'd get page hits from, no offense but I'd be about as likely to blurt "Singapore" as I would "The Federated States of Micronesia". Well, in all honesty The Federated States of Micronesia are exactly one square mile bigger than Singapore, so I suppose it has a leg up in the Blogger Blurting Competition. |
One final note before moving on:
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63% of my readership owns Apple products? I do believe I've found my audience.
Sadly, a full none % of my audience is this guy:
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| "Muh stache use ta be THIS wide till that incident with thuh cotton gin." |
This, of course, is Terry Jones, proud papa of Florida's own Dove World Outreach Center. While it's certainly nice to that someone is caring for the birds (Feeeeeed the birds. Tuppence the bag.) it seems the Rev. Jones is a little low on people skills. I'm sure everyone in North America has heard about this guy but I'll recap for S.A. and Sing-Sing over there, as well as for my own enjoyment.
Like many of his fellow southerners before him, Hizzoner Rev. Jones decided that god was calling him to commit hate crimes to show the world that Jesus truly loves us, namely by hosting International Burn a Koran Day on this Saturday.
Which is 9/11.
I'm assuming he didn't know that that particular day was already double booked with, I shit you not, Patriot Day (Jesus, wasn't Bush just the WORST?) and a local New York holiday called How Many Fuckin' Years It Gonna Take Ta Build A Got-Damn Skyscraper Day. Despite knowing full well that yet another holiday in the Sept. 11 box on the calendar is going to make it nearly impossible to pencil anything in, the Right Honorable Rev. Jones was forging ahead with his international holiday. Which, incidentally, seems like it will only be celebrated in Florida. The ensuing media blitz had people from all sides of the political spectrum condemning his planned bookbeque for the decidedly Hitleresque connotations it drew and for the unbelievably violent shitshow it was sure to trigger across the Muslim world. After all, radical Muslims are the folks who called for the murders of Salman Rushdie and that dutch dude who drew a picture of the prophet Mohamed. Anyone know how to say "hit squad" in Arabic? I'm sure His Mustachedness Rev. Jones doesn't, what with being from Florida and all. It has been hinted, however, by a not-so-radical Muslim sorta-millitant group, that if the burning was to proceed, they would merely kidnap Jones (sorry, I ran out of cutesy titles for him) and replace him with the other one.
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| He only burns witches. |
So earlier today, after a few weeks of having everyone from Pres. Obama to Glenn Beck call him out as the bigoted, fuzzy faced inbred that he is, this 'stache-hole has called the whole thing off! Why? Well according to him, he had a phone conversation with Imam Feisal Rauf aka "Dude who's building a mosque at Ground Zero well not really Ground Zero but around the corner and down a few blocks in an old Burlington Coat Factory". Jones claims that Imam Feisal told him he would call off building the mosque if Jones put the kaibosh on his book burning. Excellent! A meeting of minds in a not at all equal exchange of planned action cancelling.
Except theres the tiny fact that Jones pulled about 100% of that story straight out of his nethers. Imam Feisal said Jones never contacted him and furthermore that he would never accept a call from Jones, as the technology that allows one to slap someone else in the face with your dick through a telephone hasn't been invented yet.
What HAS been invented and recently patented by Nike is this.
Holy hells yeah! 25 years after the original Back to the Future was released (first movie I ever saw in a theater) Nike, realizing that their reputation was on the line and that the year 2015 is fast approaching, dropped their proposed design for power lacing shoes off at the patent office, presumably with a triumphant cry of "First!".
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| They then turned to Adiddas and rhetorically asked if they were "chicken". |
Hear that skateboard companies? Five years left! I want my fucking hoverboard!
Anyways, moving back to self-centered jackasses with more facial hair than is warranted by their current circumstances, Joaquin "It's not a hairlip" Phoenix decided to pull a Howard Hughes about a year back. After a lifetime of staring into the face of the fact that he will forever be eclipsed by a dead sibling, he traded in his acting career to become an aspiring...rapper. But how to go about such an ambitions career change? Well, first he outfitted himself with all the physical accouterments one typically associates with modern hip-hop: pot belly, Grizzly Adams beard and straggling hobo dreads. The next step was to consult P. Diddy on how best to attain the dizzying heights of success that other movie star musical acts had achieved before him.
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| We will never forget. And, believe me, we've tried. |
Well, you might be asking why I know so much about Phoenix's activities of late. That's because in his quest to exit the crushing grip of the film industry, he enlisted the help of other perpetually-overshadowed-his-older-brother actor Casey Affleck to...make a movie about it. So he's starring in a movie that's about how he doesn't want to be in movies anymore. That's kinda like saying you kicked heroin because you went from mainlining to freebasing.
Of course the whole thing is probably nothing more than a an elaborate prank to attract more attention to his middling acting career. Let's be honest. Doing that is only slightly less stupid and self-serving than burning a pile of Korans in order to draw attention to your epic mustache. While wearing future-shoes. In Singapore. While reading my blog TIED IT IN FULL CIRCLE, WHAT!
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