I'm tired and words fail me

I got roughly two hours of sleep last night before coming wide awake at 3:30 in the goddamn morning. See, that's a problem because 3:30 is usually my bedtime. I spent the next six hours alternating between worrying on things that I could, in no way, do anything about in the wee hours of a Thursday morning and surfing the internet for something I could fall asleep to. The result of the night are as follows: I smoked half a pack of Camel lights, I now probably have an ulcer from worrying about quitting smoking, watched the season 5 finale of Lost (post spoilers in the comments and I will eat you. Not kill you. Not hurt you. Eat you. Whole.), watched the season 3 premiere of Sons of Anarchy, texted a friend who lives on the West Coast (also an insomniac), and found this little bundle of very low hanging fruit that I decided to incorporate into today's post: Juggalos!

Haven't really thought about this group of people in a while. Probably because NYC, while very accommodating to all levels of craziness, asks nothing more of it's denizens than to grow a think skin. Juggalos, being the grown-up (that term is used very loosely in this context) glue eaters that they are, aren't really down for reliving their worst high school memories every time they get off the train in Bed-Stuy.

Helps keep the Hippie population down, too.

Remember yesterday when I waxed eloquent about geeks? Here's an analogy that, what with it being school time and all, I've constructed into classic SAT form.

Geek : Mogwai :: Juggalo : Gremlin

In their formative years pretty much every geek is subjected to ridicule of some form. They either learn that life is often a shit sandwich of which we all must partake and hold their nose and get it over with, or they choose a lifestyle that is the social equivalent of holding their breath and kicking their feet in the air. It's like some kind of Shogun Assassin multiple choice test: choose the comic book or the grindhouse movies or hell even the D&D and you might one day have a social life; choose the greasepaint and in four years time you will be effectively dead to anyone you currently know. Because really, what better way to escape the near-eternal shitshow that is adolescence than to become permanently juvenile? Yeah! Riddle me that Mr. Pants!


So what do you do when your chosen lifestyle is basically the equivalent of walking around with a sandwich board that reads, "Please go well and far out of your way to fuck with me"? (oh we ain't done with the analogies by a damn sight!)  Well you can go to what ICP (I'm Currently Pedophiling) co-frontman Violent J calls, "motherfuckin' Juggalo Woodstock, only better".
Truly? And what, fine sir, makes it better?
"There's more to do, more to see, more 'ho's to fuck, and it's all insane as hell."
Insane! Like a posse of clowns, I'll bet!

The Village Voice's Camille Dodero recently visited this gathering of Juggalos, which is  rather creatively named "The Gathering of the Juggalos" and wrote an excellent article which you can read here. While there is this one picture that is NSFW or your continued mental health, it's worth reading, if only to watch her desperately try to maintain some level of objectivity and fail miserably at it. Being that I'm fantastically short of sleep, I'm just going to cherry pick some quotes out of it and make snarky comments. Lazy? Yes. Satisfying? Like a full night of sleep.

An INSANE full night of sleep, that is!

 ICP (Into Capricious Parenthesizing) co-frontmen Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are, as you might deduce from their names, eloquent men of letters. They are quotable in a way that Winston Churchill could have only hoped to be. A sampling:

"Let's paint our faces like clowns, and be the Insane Clown Posse: clowns who murder and kill people who deserve to be murdered and killed!"   -Violent J

"Juggalos are just as human as the President!"   -Violent J

"This shit is. A. Lot. For Us. To Take. Both of us are on medication for this shit. It's too overwhelming. This shit is—[long pause]—unreal! Everyday. Is Breathtaking. Every day, it's amazing—that Juggalos even exist! And we appreciate it. We don't control this. We're not the leaders of this. All we do is provide a soundtrack."   -Violent J

Poetry.

Murder and kill people? Sir! It takes a brave man to be so bold as to kill someone twice, or to even be able to. I'm sure Fox news will spin that second quote during the 2012 Elections. O'Reilly will thunder, "Can this country really afford to have a president that is a closet Muslim and a Juggalo?" while somewhere offscreen, Glenn Beck weeps softly into an American flag. And it's always nice to see someone, no matter how eloquent, take time to think about what the next word out of their mouth will be, even if that word turns out to be "a". A misplaced pronoun or article has been the bane of many a public speaker. I do believe, however, that Mr. J does himself a disservice. In no way does he talk like a person who is taking medication. He has clearly been off his meds for quite some time now.

While Shaggy 2 Dope (I get the trots every time I write that name) wisely leaves the interviews mostly in Violent J's capable hands, he is no lyrical slouch, as he demonstrates on their finest musical accomplishment to date: Miracles. Do not, I repeat DO NOT click that link if you don't feel like losing brain cells today.

"Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed"   -Shaggy 2 Dope

Oh, um...

Who peed in that guy's mother, anyways?

The Juggalos, clearly impressed with their idols' mastery of the Queen's English, endeavor to keep their discourse equally eloquent. In the Voice article, they weigh in on a variety of issues such as

Gender Equality!
"Welcome to the fucking ultimate vacation! Hope you're not a feminist!"   -Chris

Family Values!
"I know that every motherfucker here has had the most fucked-up childhood that you could possibly think of. That's why we all relate. That's why we're all fucking one."    -Jazmine Voyce

Mental Health!
We're all crazy as fuck. How can we be fucking normal? How can we if we haven't started off normal, you know?"   -Jazmine again

How ICP are OBVIOUSLY not Pedos!
"He's trying to help keep kids safe. He doesn't want them to get fucked by an adult."  -Andrew Picerno

Because if you're going to feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an 38 year old, overweight man from Detroit, then it really ought to be a 38 year old overweight man from Detroit who's fucking wearing evil clown make-up.

Available for birthday parties, pool parties, sleepovers...

I know, I know. It's like shoving the retarded kid around the playground. It's just that when you see someone living a lifestyle that is the social equivalent of crushing your dick a vise because you don't want kids, what are you gonna do? Give 'em a hug and say it'll all be over soon? Sure, I guess, if you're about to shoot them with the gun you're hiding behind your back. Know what? When I see even Martin Bashir bashing these guys (on national TV no less!), I feel completely justified.

I'm going back to bed, but I'm getting drunk first so that ICP (Incontinence Creates Puddles) doesn't murder me in my dreams with axes made of candy and guns made of child rape.