Just say "pffft" to politics.

MORNING CRAPPER UPDATE:
So Brooklyn got hit by a motherfucking tornado yesterday. A F2 class motherfucking tornado.
Here's some video of a couple douchebags freaking out about it.



Pretty crazy stuff, but then again, pretty crazy stuff is all part and parcel of living in NYC.

You might recall how a couple days ago I was too exhausted/hungover to give more than a half-hearted "Pffft" to this great country's primary elections, while simultaneously coining (I hope) the phrase "God's Iron Balls". I feel like I've heard that phrase somewhere before but that might just be the voices again. Please send me any links to prior usage of "God's Iron Balls" that you might know of, as I am fearful of what digital leavings such a web search would incur on my innocent BacMook. Also let me know what comes up when you google BacMook.
The point I'm dancing so deftly around is, who am I to "Pffft" at a national primary? Am I not a citizen of this great nation, and thusly subject to all of the her great...electoral...fluff'n'stuffs? YES, by god, and I fully intend to set my past transgressions right! WITH SHOUTING! Just like Phil "The Great Communicator" Davidson!

OK, mebbe not like that if for no other reason than I'm a bit low on Benzodiazepine.
I'll try to lead you through it in Phil's words.
Phil here, is addressing the stark county republican party...executive committee. It appears he has either been watching far to many videos of Bill O'Reilly being pre-menstrual  and not enough videos of Glenn Beck being pre-menopausal, or his volume knob is broken.

This one goes to eleven.

But what do we know of this would be savior of the Stark County Treasurer's Office?

1. He is from the village of Minerva where he is serving his 13th year (holds up four fingers) as an elected Minerva Council Member. The four finger salute is no doubt a reference to his "Double the Peace or Get Shouted At" campaign platform. Either that or he's repping Ohio's own 4th Street Low Brim Crips set.

2. He is well educated, boasting "a bachelors degree in sociology, a bachelors degree in history, a masters degree in public administration...*stare down off-camera illiterates*... and a masters degree in communication!" The last one served him well that day...

3. He means business because "he will not apologize for his tone tonight", which no doubt stems from the fact that he has "been a Rupublican in times good" which plays well to his claim to "HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN IN TIMES BAD!" You can tell he means it when he takes a moment to search out any would be doubters in the audience; his goggly eyes clearly blinking "trouble" in morse code.

You have to wonder what exactly it is that pushes him over the edge less than a minute and a half into his speech. Perhaps a derisive eye-roll. Maybe a subtle "pfft". Whatever it was, I'm sure the bobbling of "one of (his) most favorite quotes in the history of the spoken word" just exacerbated the whole situation. You can actually hear his mind snap at the 1:47 mark. That is the whimper of a broken man. Yet on he soldiers on and we are rewarded for it, for at the 2:50 mark, magic happens. 
When asking what, I'm sure the majority of the audience is hoping is, a rhetorical question (Drastic times calls for what?), some knob out in the audience actually answers! 
Well, the sound of ol' Phil's forehead blowing through the back wall was heard well into the next county and was considered a warning shot to all of Phil's Democratic contenders: This man is pure bugfuck. As if that were not enough, he officially deep sixes his nomination chances when he announces that what the F6 class (inconceivable strength) shitshow that they had just witenessed would be exactly what they could expect for the next eight weeks until the election. That's what you call upselling, I guess.


Trying to get a handle on why Phil here sound's so familiar? Prolly cause he reminds you of this:

 

 Meanwhile, back in New York, embattled veteran Congressman Charlie "No I'm not the Ghost of Cab Calloway" Rangel, won his primary. Rep. Rangel is under investigation for more than a dozen ethics violations, which range from misuse of campaign contributions to failing to declare a small boatload of money on his tax return. Voters apparently took a long, hard look at Rangel, then a long, hard look at themselves and decided not to call the kettle black. 

Opting instead to call him Burnt Umber.

 Out in California, it seems Republican John Dennis has co-opted an MC Hammer video in his race against Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Hilarity ensues.
My favorite moments are when a clearly lip-syncing Hammer is flopping around in what appears to be the earthly remains of a polar bear in front of a bunch of VERY clearly lip-syncing stand-in's for the congressmen and women who refused to be a part of his madness. Would love to see the certainly imminent firing of the PR guy who recommended using that video to build Dennis' "street cred". Trying to build street cred in a congressional race is akin to wearing spurs while playing hockey: I'm sure someone thinks it will help, but it's more likely you'll just end up impaling some part of you that is soft and fleshy.

Gawker has the rest of Tuesday's gory details, including the primary victory of Christine O'Donnell, the Tea-Party's anti-masturbation candidate, who proves once and for all that a having nice cup of Earl Grey (hot) is really her idea of partying.