The horror...the horror...

I know I've been out for a couple days and promised to do a Hipsterpedia post but dear sweet, fucking god will someone please grab a cattle prod herd Donald Trump and his toupee (yes it IS!) into a small, iron room with no windows and turn the thermostat on to "braise"? The reason behind my sudden madness for Trumpy Pie has to do with no less disturbing news than Donald Trump is seriously considering running for president.

Has your brain stopped screaming yet? I almost can't make jokes about something as abhorrent as that. What in in the name of Jesus Creeping Shit is going ON in this fucking country? I swear, you elect one center-left black man to the White House and then what appears to be two thirds of the entire white population collectively loses their goddamn minds and sets their volume knob to eleven.

Footage of a Greater Pasty Volume Knob in it's natural habitat.

One question, if I may: what, EXACTLY, has Obama done, that is so incredibly damaging to this country that it has brought us to the point of even considering Donald Trump as anything more than the anthropomorphic piece of flotsam that he is? Neither the President nor either house of congress have produced fuck all in the two whole years they've been in office! Wait, wait. Let's take a look real quick. Mayhap it is that I have missed something.

Jan. 29, 2009: President Obama issues an executive order to close Gitmo within a year. OK, right out of the gate that's a solid...wait, it's still open? What time is it? Oh, it seems to be a quarter to two whole fucking years later. Moving on we've got a lot of talking about things with people, some more talking, oh hey on March 9th he overturned a Bush-era ban on federal funding of any research that deals with embryonic stem cell research. That is quite the controversial move. So controversial in fact that two days later he signed into law a bill that contained a renewed ban of federal funding for stem cell research. April through June of '09 saw a lot of meeting with other heads of state, some town hall appearances, a Jay Leno appearance, the mighty Cash for Clunkers act and the beginning of troop withdrawal from major Iraqi cities. July's major activity was cracking open some cold ones with Henry Louis Gates and the racist cop who arrested him. In August he continued his never ending deathmarch of town hall appearances and got yelled at by hicks. He kicked off September with a much needed vacation before going on David Letterman's show. October actually saw him enacting laws with an expansion of the definition of hate crime to now include gays, lesbians and mixed bag of other gender identities, as well as repealing a travel and immigration ban of persons with HIV. There was a turkey pardoning in November and then in December, a richly deserved Nobel Peace Prize.

BJC says, "Shit, more like Nigga Please Prize."

Hrm. Should I leave that caption in? WWBJD? Fuck it. Hate mail away.

OK so first year not so hot, but hey! Give the guy a break. I'm sure that job comes with one hell of a learning curve. How's the sophomore year panning out?
Not much went down in the first two months aside from a new regulation on banking, but holy hells yeah, did March ever bring home the bacon! Health care reform! That's where all the anger is directed, right? His evil, commie plot to kill your grammy is just the thing to get this country all riled up. So what are the gory details of this pinko, fuckhole's eeeeevil masterplan anyways? Here's the rough sketch:

1. If you are single and make less than $14,403 a year, you get Medicaid. If are single and make less than $43,320 a year, you get "gubment" credits (like "gubment" cheese but much more green) to help you pay for insurance. If you make more than that a year, well just keep doing what ever it was you were doing before. which I assume was being comfortably Middle Class. If you own a business, the "gubment" will help you stop being a dick to your employees and get them some health care before you go back to crushing their hopes and aspirations.

2. Insurance companies can no longer fuck you over when you get sick.

That's it.

Wait, no "death panels"? No transforming of hospitals into scary, dimly lit recreations of the Hostel dungeon? No military police in the ER performing triage? Well. If you still think I'm a lying pinko-commie-faggot in league with our evil oppressors, you can wander over to this site that deals almost solely with the topic of how to make you more richer better and read a more in depth explanation of what I just wrote. Hell, I don't know what everyone is all ferklempt about considering this terrifying act of political terrorism won't even go into effect until 2014, so it'll be just in time for Donald Trump or Sarah Palin to dismember it with the newly minted Rupublican congress we're about to get for Christmas.
As for the rest of the year, he signed a nuclear arms limitation treaty with Russia just as every other president since Kennedy has done (Gerald Ford doesn't count), told NASA they couldn't go play on the moon again and started the withdrawal of troops from Iraq, leaving a modest 50,000 troops in country for strategic tanning purposes.

Again, that's it.

At this rate he's gonna have promised more change than FDR but had a presidency more similar to James Buchanan.

But with 100% less awesome hair.

And yet STILL with screaming and the yelling and the crying and the predictions of doom and gloom. Sure, Republicans aren't built to play nice with anybody but when your last crack at the white house went as swimmingly as it did, one would think a small measure of candor would be approp....what's that? You're better at screaming? And you're secretly racist? And Jesus told you that the blueprint of how to fix the economy can be divined in Donald Trump's hair?

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just warming up my passport.