Beard With Authority

Yesterday I briefly touched on the gubernatorial campaign of Jimmy McMillan of the fantastically named Rent is 2 Damn High Party. Well, at least everyone else's rent is too damn high. Jimmy himself is only paying $800 a month for his one-bedroom in Flatbush. But that's OK. I'd much rather it come out that a politician who's rallying against high rent actually has low rent, rather than a politician who's rallying against gay marriage getting caught in a gay tryst. But who is this mustachioed candidate of mystery?
Turns out, the 64 year-old ran a much less electrifying campaign for the guv-spot back in '05, albeit under the much more electrifying name "Prince Jimmy McMillan (aka Papa Smurf). He served in Vietnam, where he was apparently exposed to Agent Orange which, like Bruce Banner's gamma ray exposure, imbued him with powers that are often out of his control.

Mustache Powers.

His website seems to be similarly irradiated, or perhaps his web designer was a little "too damn high" during it's creation, which, judging from the caliber of the graphics, would be sometime back in the mid-Nineties. There is evidence of rampant abuse of quotation marks throughout this migraine inducing minefield of shrinking letters, violently clashing colors and to cap it all off, my newfound desktop background:

This is why the Internet was invented in the first place.

The man is also a non-stop quote machine. I had a recent interview with the man himself but I was so captivated by the facial hair that I forgot to record the bulk of it. Here's what little snippets I did manage to get on tape:

NMFP: "But how can tomatoes be a vegetable when the seeds...OK, know what? We're getting a little sidetracked here. Where were we?

McMillan: "Rent is too...damn high"

NMFP: "Yes! I think we've been over that...several times now. Just...let me look at my notes for a second. OK, what is your opinion on the current conflict in Afghanistan?"

McMillan:  "I’m a war vet. Don’t forget I was in Vietnam for two and half years and I have three Bronze Stars, but the chemicals of Agent Orange -- dioxin and a lot of other chemicals mixed up -- I would get sick. When I get home tonight, I know I’m not going to be able to breathe if I take them off. It could be psychological, I don’t know, but I just put em on and wear them anyway."

NMFP: "Take...take what off exactly...I'm not sure...what, your shoes?"

McMillan: "If you want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry you."

NMFP:  "..."
 
McMillan: "Rent is too..."

NMFP: "GOT IT! Got it. Yes. Fine. Moving on. In the past, what has been your stance on global warming?"

McMillan: "To be honest with you I was cool as hell. Even with my gloves on I was freezing, it was like I was in the North Pole!" 

NMFP: "Uh-huh. I'm gonna mark that as 'against global warming' OK, I think that's all I need. Any final remarks, Mr. McMillan?"

McMillan:  "I'm a karate expert and a musician: I have 15 seconds. Now its time for the humorous Jimmy McMillan to come out."

NMFP:  "I assure you, sir, you've been quite entertaining. OK, that's it for today I think...

McMillan: "Rent is too..."

NMFP: "DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT, MAN! I'M WARNING YOU!"

McMillan: "...damn high."

OK, all joking aside, I am actually going to vote for Jimmy McMillan, and it's not because of his beard/mustache combo or because of his antics or because it's ironic (and he is going to get a huge amount of irony votes) or even because the rent is too damn high. I'm voting for him because people like Jimmy McMillan are the only hope this city, and to some extent the country, has of getting through our newly christened age of fading empire. They are the concerned, everyday citizens who live in your neighborhoods and shop in your stores and rub elbows with you on the subway (until you ask them to stop being creepy). They have found one or two particular axes to grind and they don't particularly give a shit about anything besides their stated goals. So what if Jimmy McMillan can't balance NY's budget because he lacks an economics degree? Make the Lieutenant Governor take care of that. I mean, what the hell else it the Lt. Guv doing?
Point is, politicians are, for the most part, nothing more than politicians. No matter what they say during their candidacy, they will go about business as usual as soon as they are elected to office. Sure, Jimmy McMillan is crazier than a shit-house rat but, unlike Cuomo or Paladino, this is a man who has seen the real problems facing his city and state from the only place where you can get a decent perspective of it: on the ground. We can poke fun at this man and others of his ilk all we like, but one day we are going to pray that we have an outspoken, passionate, grass-roots candidate who won't merely feed us some "Change we can believe in" pander but never actually make good on that promise. We need valid third party candidates in the country worse than the Pope needs to get fucked.
We live in a country that views third party candidates like Nader as nothing more than a sideshow at best and a spoiler at worst. This perception will never change unless people start taking risks and breaking away from both of the established parties in favor of someone who might actually do something different. Join me in voting for Jimmy and fire a shot across the bow of the political establishment, if for nothing more than to return the country to the facial hair golden age that peaked with Chester A. Arthur

and let the mustache hairs of freedom flow again!